Being King Isn't All it's Cracked Up to be
by SlightlyCrazyYetSane
Summary: "In all honesty, he hadn't even known gods could get migraines; his wife and son's bickering had proven that gods could." In which Persephone rants, Nico mocks, and Hades...Hades gets stuck in the middle with a giant migraine.-Please, R&R! :D
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Okay, here's something that just sorta got stuck in my head. It's for my Latin project, mind you, but I thought I could also post this here...Anyway, enjoy! I'm sorry for any typos and such. I posted this in a hurry.

Warning: Probably OOC, possible crack, and Hades getting used to being a dad. You've been warned. ;)

* * *

**Being King Isn't All it's Cracked Up To Be. **

-oOo-

_**prompts**__**: crispy ; button ; mole ; sparrow ; drug ; tragedy ; paranoia**_

_**summary: **_In all honesty, he hadn't even _known _gods could get migraines; his wife and son's bickering had proven that gods _could_. In which Persephone rants, Nico mocks, and Hades...Hades gets stuck in the middle with a giant migraine.

-oOo-

**Part One: Hades Has a Headache**

**-**oOo**-**

Hades gritted his teeth in annoyance and frustration, both at himself and at the motor mouth that was sitting beside him. His long, slender fingers massaged his head vigorously, almost violently, hoping to deter the almost certain migraine that was about to spring up on him. In all honesty, he hadn't even _known _gods could get migraines; his wife and son's bickering had proven that gods _could_.

He briefly wondered whether he could drug _both _of them and shove them into the dungeons for a few fifty years or so—it wasn't that long, and he would _finally _be able to terrorize and terrify with peace and tranquility.

"Are you trying to disrespect your _stepmother_, brat? How dare you! The audacity of young demigods these days! Humph! You all think that you're _so _powerful and you know _everything _in this world! Ha! Don't make me laugh!" Persephone ranted, much like her mother Demeter. She was sitting on the large, expensive dining table that Hades had _especially _ordered for her when she had complained about not having a "homely" feel, sitting on his right.

Usually, Persephone was a sweet, gentle spirit. Certain times, though, she became _just _like her mother. Facing the children of the _other _woman your husband loved was one of those times.

"I _don't _think I know everything; in fact, I _know _I don't know everything! You're just pissed off about the fact that father loved another woman…enough to have _kids _with her, and enough to try and _stay _with her. A tragedy, really, isn't it? Tell me, how does it feel to be _second best_?" Nico intoned with a smirk on his face, sitting across from Persephone. Usually, Nico was detached and aloof—but when faced with his stepmother, he could _also _become a raving lunatic. Or, he could say stupid things like "enough to have kids with her" and "how does it feel to be _second best?_", and just piss off Persephone even more.

Persephone spluttered incoherently, her scarlet face displaying the seething _rage _she felt inside. "I am _not _second best!" she shrieked.

Nico looked at her with raised eyebrows and a haughty expression. "Of _course _you're not," he soothed in a patronizing tone.

"MY, what CRISPY ambrosia we have today!" Hades almost-yelled, banging his fist on the table and gritting his teeth to remind himself that _no_, teleporting out of here would do nothing but get him in trouble from both his wife _and _his son, and he did _not _need that sort of trouble right now. He was extremely paranoid already—thinking about his wife out for his blood and his son badmouthing him wherever he went was _not _a good idea to reduce his paranoia, as Hestia had so kindly suggested him to do.

_"You can't always go around thinking that you've got a mole in your ranks, Hades. You need to calm down! Relax! And if you _ever _need any help, you know that I'm here for you,_" was what she had said with a sunny smile, and at the time, he had listened, as an aftershock of the euphoria of _finally _having him and his children respected. Of course, when he had reminded himself that it was because of Barnacle Beard's brat, the euphoria had melted into bittersweet joy. You couldn't have _everything_, and he supposed that Jackson wasn't _that _bad.

"Oh, yes, _dear_," Persephone sneered at him. She had adopted a less-than-warm attitude with him whenever Nico was around. "You're right! The ambrosia _is _extremely crispy and tasty today! Why don't we bring some to your _other _hidden lovers, hmm?"

Nico scoffed as he drank his Coke. "_Please_. He has no hidden lovers; they're all out in the open, for everyone to see." He tapped his chin mockingly in fake thought. "Hmm…that makes you _third _best, then, doesn't it? First is mother; second is every _other _lover he's had; and then, third comes _you_."

"Shut it, brat!" Persephone raged in a high pitch, pointing an accusing finger at him. "Don't make me turn you into a _sparrow _the size of a button and _step _on you!"

Nico scowled heavily, but didn't say anything, for which Hades was thankful.

"Listen, Persephone, we've already gone over this with that marriage counselor—" Nico snickered, and Hades shot him a glare that sobered him "—and I've told you I'm sorry! I can't _help _falling in love with other woman; it's the way I was made! It was the way that almost _every _malegod was made! That doesn't mean that I love you less—you'll _always _be my first wife! I kidnapped you because I thought you were amazingly beautiful, remember?"

"I don't_ want _to be your first wife! I want to be your first _love_!" Persephone whined, tears forming in her eyes, ignoring the last part of Hades comment. He _always _said that to placate her, and she wasn't falling for it this time. "I know you don't love me, Hades! I know you only keep me here because it's a matter of your _pride_, and you need someone to help you run this godsforsaken kingdom of yours! I'm like…I'm like a _housekeeper _to you! Don't you lie to me!"

_Breathe, Hades, breathe. Count to ten _slowly_, and just be patient_, he reminded himself. "Now, Persephone, you know that's not true," he started off wearily, already used to this conversation.

"Actually, he's right," Nico piped up, giving Persephone a meaningful look, his dark eyes intensely staring into her large, brown eyes, which were pooling up with tears. "You're not a housekeeper—you're more of a slave; you don't get paid, remember?" he reminded with a small smile, the intense look gone and a mocking one glinting in its place.

"NICO!" Hades roared at the same time Persephone fled the table, screaming, "You little…UGH!" as she twisted around and speed-walked off.

Nico took a small bite of his food and looked up at Hades innocently. "What?"

Hades internally wondered whether _every _sixteen year old boy-stepmother relationship was this hard to deal with, or the Fates were just especially cruel toward him. "What in Tartarus' name is _wrong _with you? Do you know how much _time _I'll have to give her just so she can talk to me properly? You don't even try to get along with her!" he accused.

"_I _can try, but she doesn't want to get along with me; she hates me, plain and simple," Nico told him in the same tone one would use when saying something like, "What nice weather we have today," taking a sip of his Coke.

Hades narrowed his eyes at him. "You're still sore about her turning you into a dandelion, aren't you?" he asked.

Nico scowled, a sign that you had hit a nerve. He stayed silent as well, which was another sign that you had hit the nail on the head.

"Nico," Hades started off wearily.

"She didn't just turn me into a dandelion! She's turned me into enough plants to create an expensive bouquet," Nico burst. "I mean, _gods_, why don't you act like the extremely old woman you are and stop being so _immature_?"

"Nico," Hades warned. "You're also being immature.

"Yeah, well, I'm sixteen. I'm _supposed _to be difficult and moody and immature. She's like a million years old; she's already _gone_ through her teenage phase."

"Persephone's…sensitive. You _know _that," Hades explained, glowering disapprovingly at his son.

Nico scowled heavily again. "That's not fair. She's the adult here."

"I know," Hades sighed, "but we can't change her. Could you at least _try _and not annoy her? It leaves me to clean up _your_ mess. You can come and go as you please; _I _have to stay with her. Plus, she'll probably call her—"

"HADES!" an unearthly, feminine voice bellowed. "HOW DARE YOU MAKE MY DAUGHTER CRY?"

"…her mother," Hades finished off weakly, tilting his head back and shutting his eyes, reminding himself to _breathe_.

"Oh _Styx_," Nico said, his voice laced with panic and fear. "I have _got _to go. She'll kill me!"

Hades snapped his head up and glared at Nico, pinning him in place with his powers. "Oh, _Tartarus _no. You are staying here and going through this _with me_, since it's all your fault in the first place!"

"Father!" Nico gasped, shocked, his jaw gaping. He made a strangled sound of impatience and anger and frustration, all rolled into one. Just as quickly, though, he reined his expressions in and settled for glaring and scowling at his father, refusing to say a word.

Hades felt a pang of guilt, but easily dismissed it when he saw Demeter huffing and puffing like a bull as she stomped toward him. Her large, brown eyes were narrowed in anger and her mouth was twisted into an ugly sneer, her left fist clenched at her side and her right hand lifted, pointing at him with an accusing finger.

"HADES!" she bellowed again. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Nico try to become as small as possible in his chair. "You have made my daughter _cry_! What is wrong with you, you grain-rejecting _freak_?"

Hades realized the "grain-rejecting" insult quickly. It was one of Demeter's favorites, since she thought not eating grain all the time was a blasphemy. "Now, Demeter—" he started off calmly.

"Don't 'Now, Demeter' me!" she interrupted rudely, now standing in front of him with her hands propped up on her hips.

"Demeter, I can explain—" he tried again.

"Don't 'I can explain' me, either! Just answer me, plain and simple—_why _did you make my daughter _cry_?" she raged. Hades was surprised that spit wasn't frothing out of her mouth, since she seemed like a raving lunatic at the moment.

"I didn't!" Hades denied.

"Then who—"

Before Demeter could ask the obvious question, Persephone interrupted her. "Hades wasn't at fault this time, mother. It was—" she zeroed in on Nico's frightened face "—_him_."

"I…uh…um…" Nico floundered, his eyes wide and glinting with fear.

Demeter stared between the god and his son, swiveling her head from one to the other. Finally, she decided to settle on Nico's face, who dry-swallowed at the death glare being sent toward him, though he'd never admit it.

"So…" Demeter started off slowly, a poisonous hiss in her voice. "_You're _the one that hurt my daughter's feelings."

Nico took a deep breath, and went with what was the safest option in his mind—denial. "I don't know what you're talking about," he lied smoothly.

Demeter's eyes flashed, and Nico suddenly regretted his actions. "Are you trying to say that my daughter is a _liar_? Is that what you're implying? Bah! I knew that you'd be just like your father—selfish, coldhearted, and insensitive! Not to mention the fact that you probably hate cereal as well! I'm going to _kill_ you, son of Hades!"

"Now, I don't think we need to be hasty—" Nico said quickly, panic latching onto his voice.

Hades wondered briefly whether he should step in and save Nico's unworthy rear-end. If he saved him, he'd get affection from the boy, but the boy might repeat what he had done earlier. If he _didn't _save him, though, he'd probably be killed.

Decisions, decisions…

"Demeter," Hades cut off firmly. "I believe I have a solution to both our predicaments."

Demeter snapped her head toward him. "_What_?" she demanded, irritated beyond belief. She was missing her mid-morning-before-lunch-after-breakfast bowl of cereal!

Hades look over her calmly, almost coldly, but the latter wasn't intentional. "You said that Nico hated grains, yes?"

She nodded.

"Well, then, I believe that you should have him eat nothing _but _cereal for a week. And, perhaps, force him to garden…? You could take him with you, you know."

"_What_?" Nico spluttered, but refrained from saying anything else when he saw his father's warning look. Oh, gods, if Demeter actually agreed to this…

"All right!" Demeter said in a cheerful voice.

…he'd _never _forgive his father.

"Father. No," Nico said flatly, glaring back at his father.

"Nico," Hades warned coolly, an eyebrow raised. "Yes. You _will _do this. Let this be a lesson for you. Do not aggravate Persephone."

"But, father…" Nico protested weakly. When he saw his father's unwavering gaze and stubborn determination, though, he changed his tactics. "Very well, _my lord_," he said coldly, a mocking undercurrent to the words "my lord".

Hades winced internally, realizing that his son was absolutely furious at him, but he refused to back down. This was _his _kingdom; it was run by _his _rules. Nico'd have to learn that.

"Come, boy!" barked Demeter. "I'll show you to your garden," she said evilly, a mocking, soft laugh escaping her lips. Her eyes were glinting with malice and sadistic glee.

Nico was awaiting the greedy hand-rubbing gesture, which was _sure _to follow.

Nico got up quickly, all the while glaring intently at his father, and stalked off slowly and purposefully toward Demeter, refusing to let his distaste and fear show. Like _hell _he was going to give Demeter and Persphone and _his father_ that satisfaction.

"Good_bye_, father," Nico said without emotion, though his eyes showed the resentment and anger he felt. In a flash, both were gone, leaving Hades and his gut-wrenching guilt, and Persphone with a self-satisfied smile.

Hades sighed.

"What's wrong, my lord?" Persephone asked with concern. It was absolutely _amazing _how quickly her mood changed when Nico was around.

"Nothing," Hades said gruffly, clearing his throat and looking away. He didn't _like _emotions; they were annoying and burdensome.

But he couldn't help feeling guilty for what he'd done to Nico. He loved the boy, he really did, but sometimes…sometimes, he was just too much for Hades to handle.

A thought crossed his mind—perhaps he should ask Poseidon for help? He seemed to be able to handle his son quite well—but it was quickly gone, his pride not allowing him to ask _anyone _to help.

Persephone sat down next to him, talking about gods-know-what and humming a cheery tune.

Hades felt the guilt gnawing at his stomach, refusing to let him be.

* * *

**A/N: DUN DUN DUN. What'll happen? Stay tuned to find out. ;) **


	2. Part Two

**A/N: Here's part two! Thank you guys so so so so much for all the reviews and favs and story alerts! :D Enjoy!**

* * *

**Part Two: Hades Blames His Emotions**

_**prompts**__**: stampede ; giant ; bishop ; kitten ; straw ; threat ; flowerpot**_

"Nico," Hades said solemnly.

His son snapped his head up at the familiar voice, his eyes widening almost imperceptibly before they narrowed in annoyance, a scowl making its way onto his face.

"Yes, _my lord_?" he asked in a mocking voice, though the sarcasm would've been lost if you weren't paying attention, his right eyebrow cocked up in question.

Hades winced internally, the familiar _guilt _bubbling up within him. In the last few days, he had been threatened by this emotion _way _more than what was considered healthy for a death god. It almost felt as if there was a giant looming behind him, shadowing him with "GUILT" tattooed on its forehead, making sure that Hades could never _forget_.

He had tried to annihilate this monster, get rid of this emerging threat, because all he could _do _was think about his son! He had failed, of course, and he had ended up feeling even worse. My goodness, he felt so bad, it was as if he had tried to drown a basket of orphaned, big-eyed, helpless _kittens_!

He was the god of Death, yes, but that didn't mean that he wash heartless enough to drown helpless _kittens_.

The familiar emotion had been made worse by the ever-absent presence of his son. Sure, they didn't exactly _meet _all the time, but Hades always sensed Nico's presence whenever he came into the Underworld, which was frequently—at least once a week. Whether it was to check up on Cerberus, deliver news of the surface world—it was _terrible _how long news took to reach the Underworld—or just, as young people called it, "hang out", Hades felt an unfathomable sense of comfort from Nico's presence.

Of course, he quickly wrote it off as that attachment being _solely _because of the fact that Nico was his…his _bishop_, of sorts, handling things about the Underworld that Hades couldn't be bothered to—which was, admittedly, anything that wasn't part of his _immediate _kingdom—but he knew, way, way, _way _deep down inside, that it was because he…he was fond of his son. And, perhaps, _proud _of him.

Which was why he was seen standing in the middle of Central Park, in the middle of the night, standing next to the very _root _of his problem—Nico.

"We need to talk," was what Hades said in reply, his voice commanding and firm.

"Talk about what? I mean, what _ever _is there left to discuss?" Nico plowed on ruthlessly, his voice still controlled and an expression of feigned innocence on his face, though his eyes flashed with anger.

Hades briefly wondered whether it was possible to unleash a stampede of hellhounds on this dogged emotion known as _guilt_. If not _that_, maybe he could _burn _it to a crisp, unleashing his wrath upon that useless feeling.

_God up, Hades_! he rallied himself on. _You are the GOD of the Underworld, one of the most feared deities in Greek mythology! Don't let a single _boy _cow you! Don't let him drag you into the trap known as _**emotions**_**! **__Stand your ground! _

"Why, there's _lots _left to discuss," Hades countered in the same way. "For example, how was your trip?"

The comment had the desired effect. Nico's façade fell away, cracking into a million pieces. "Oh, it was _wonderful_," he sneered sarcastically. "She showed me so many _damn _flowerpots, all of which were planted with _straw _and _wheat _and all those other useless grains. Of course, she also gave me my _own _flowerpot, which is where she put me when she transformed me into a _flower _from time to time!"

"Oh, that sounds _very _interesting," Hades quipped, still in his I-am-innocently-asking-questions-without-malicious-intention demeanor.

"What do you want, _my lord_?" Nico asked, his tone much more controlled.

Hades wished that his son wasn't as gifted in holding grudges as _he _was.

"Mumblemumblemumble," Hades mumbled.

"…_What_?" Nico asked, completely at loss as to what his father was saying.

"I…think that I…mumblemumble…" Hades repeated.

"You think that you mumblemumble," Nico repeated flatly.

Hades took a deep breath. It was now or never. He _had _to do this! He took another deep breath, more of a way to calm himself rather than something that was needed to live, and opened his mouth again.

"I think that I should be the one…the one…the one…" the words seemed stuck to Hades' throat, refusing to become _unstuck _and granting him the chance to say them. Godsdammit! Why couldn't he just _get _the words _out_?

Of course, he knewwhy. His _pride _was in his way, standing as a bouncer in his esophagus, refusing to let the apology—because _that's _what the 'mumblemumble' was supposed to be—out.

"Father…are you…all right…?" Nico asked hesitantly, his voice concerned.

Hades coughed loudly and Nico blinked in surprise, leaning back a bit subconsciously. "I'm fine," Hades reassured coolly.

"Okay…then what are you trying to say? Is there something stuck in your throat? Can gods get, like…_colds_ or something?" Nico questioned, for a minute forgetting that he was supposed to be _never _talking to his father again.

"Nico!" Hades announced, his eyes shut to help him concentrate and _focus_. "I. Apologize. For the Demeter fiasco. I mean, I _still _think that you should never aggravate Persephone, but I shouldn't have sent you with that she-devil." He opened his eyes, stared down upon his flabbergasted son, and scowled. "There. I said it. Don't expect me to repeat it."

Nico seemed unable to form a coherent sentence. "You're…you're…you're, uh, _sorry_? As in, _sorry _for sending me with _Demeter_?" he finally got out.

Hades thanked the gods—_your welcome_, he replied to himself just as quickly with a smug thought—that he didn't have blood that made it possible to _blush_, because he would've probably been blushing like a pathetic, doe-eyed _schoolgirl_! "Yes," he said amidst a lot of throat-clearing, and he averted his eyes to stare at the _fascinating _oak to his left. "I am."

"Oh," was all Nico said, and then a faint spread of pink filled his cheeks. "I'm…uh…sorry—" he cut off his apology abruptly, unable to go on "—I guess I could've toned down the needling-Persephone thing a bit as well. Even though what you did was cruel," he said, staring to _his _left and staring at the _marvelous _willow tree that was standing there.

"Yes. We're settled, then?" Hades questioned, still averting his eyes and studying the _amazing _bark patterns on the oak.

"Yes," Nico replied, talking to the willow tree, his cheeks still tinged with pink.

"Good." Hades harrumphed loudly in a self-conscious manner. "Will I…will we expect you for supper tomorrow night?" he asked, his hands clasped behind his back and his eyes _still _averted.

Nico tore his gaze from the tree and instead settled on his father with wide, surprised eyes. "Um, yeah. Sure," he said quickly, and then added, "if I don't, y'know, have plans or anything…" His gaze rested on the ground.

Hades tilted his head toward the boy and his obviously embarrassed demeanor, his lips twitching imperceptibly before he gathered himself. "Very well, then. I shall…see you tomorrow?"

Nico raised his head and met his father's gaze, a small curve to his lips. "Sure." His father's intent gaze made him look away again.

"I'll be…going now. I have to deal with…whatever there is to deal with," Hades said, making it up on the spot. "Goodbye."

"Goodbye, father," Nico said, this time in a much warmer tone than how he'd said it last time.

Hades nodded at his boy once more and then teleported out of Central Park in a shroud of shadows, leaving Nico with a small, bemused smile on his face.


End file.
